So many times I've been putting aside this blog. I've always told myself, later, tomorrow, not now, always searching for some kind of excuse. Always in search for something to occupy or take my mind of things, that never seem to work. So this will be like kind of therapy, way to try and put my thoughts in order.
Since so many days I can't focus, can't concentrate, like I'm not just me. I don't mean having SAD syndrome, or being depressed, just hmm... like you try to do something and feel restrained in some way. I love to send my mind for a walk once in a while to feel emptiness, true black hole inside my head, have something like OBE. Gaze at everything from a distance, maybe crawl to somebody else's house and see how things are going over there, maybe there's warmth, care, hope, joy, evenings spend together and people are actually communicating with each other instead of being sprawled in front of TV during 'family' dinner.
I've been thinking wether or not to take up my drawing again. Set some light music on, feel the gentleness and power a pensile gives. You don't have to concentrate, just let your hand do all the work. I remember doing such a thing, a long time ago. Since I'm getting older I seem to be actually paying more attention to it nowadays than before. Browsing the pictures of how it was, how good it felt, how free. I don't actually remember who said it, but it goes something like this, that once you start noticing you're loosing the child inside you, you then start to become old. It that the problem with me, uncontrollable aching for the time passed, and trying to find consolidation in it, a break from my solitary confinement...
photo by Jack Blundell
